What doesn’t break you…

If you go through something difficult, come to the point where your decisions are pivotal and influence the road ahead, remind yourself of this. The way you deal with the bumps in the road, mountains to climb, and grand impasses that get in your way on the road to where you’re going are as much a definition of yourself as that chosen destination that you brag about to your peers, except they need no verbal waxing.

Lately I’ve gone through a couple incidents that have required me to ask God what my actions should be, how I should handle it, what my priorities are, and what my focus ahead should be. I’ve been strengthened in those moments because the incident gave me a “tougher” skin – because I’m trying to let God be my tough skin. I’m allowed to be humanely weak, but I rest in a divine strength. I’ve been made stronger.

update in list form

Hey friends, I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve last blogged. Honestly though, let’s not pretend you’ve been biting your nails in anticipation of my next off-beat attempt at writing. We’re better friends then that, right? 

Here is a short list of things that have happened since we’ve talked last. I love lists!

• Applied to and have since been accepted into Piedmont College’s Nursing program.(Starts June 1st!)
  

  My School Uniform! Pajamas

• Made up my mind to live on campus in Demorest, so for the summer I will be residing in a house with 8 other nursing students. (Emotions are undecided on this bout of change. It will definitely be a new experience, so I’m looking forward to building lasting bonds with what I know will be truly unique and wonderful women…hopeful?)
• Stopped watching TV(I’ve decided it’s a complete waste of life)… ok, except for NCIS.
• I’m praying about & planning on joining either the Army or Navy Nurse Corps afterwards to pay off student debt.
  (estimated cost…$MoreThanICanMake.InALifetime).
• I have found that I am a runner at heart, even if it doesn’t look like it on the outside YET.(#1 and #4 have influenced me to take better care of myself so I’ve been going to the gym frequently now. I can run 3 miles, do 100 pushups, lunges, squats, weights… basically I’m really pumped and proud of myself!)

I am SO excited about everything I’ve listed above. There’s also a somewhat sad feeling that accompanies my eagerness for change though; I feel like my life is changing it’s course and choosing a channel to follow that doesn’t permit room to return. Yeah I know, welcome to life. Hey, did I mention I am now 23? That’s 2 years before 25 which is one quarter of a century! Ehh, tomato tomoto.

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you, but my mom’s brother’s family (The Daly’s) are some of the dearest people in the world to me. They are the best people I’ve ever known, bar none. My Aunt Margie is an incredible nurse and I hope to be as skilled as she is one day. She doesn’t know this, but I plan to bombard her with questions regarding everything clinicals. Hey, everyone’s got to have a mentor! I’ve never had any kind of the sort before, so I figure since I’m getting one late in the game she really doesn’t have to agree to it, and she kind of can’t say no since she’s my Aunt Let me show you THIS though! For my graduation/birthday present Uncle John & Aunt Margie presented me with what I believe will be that item that keeps my head in the game during nursing school…

That’s right guys- I’ve got the most BA stethoscope on the market today. Somehow I feel like this is divine reassurance… I was meant to be this BA in nursing school. I plan to be as downright fly as this Littmann Cardiology III with outstanding accoustics, versatile adult & pediatric sided chestpiece, patented tunable diaphragms for monitoring low and high frequencies, two-tubes-in-one design, and patented Littmann soft-sealing eartips. If that’s all too much for you to draw metaphors on, just know that as far as epic goes, I own and embody it. Be assured. MOVING ON!

I’m really trying to use these last 7 days at maximum enjoyment. I want to be able to look back at my short break and feel satisfied. Therefore, as intellectual types tell me is proper to do, I am reading A LOT! The idea that these books (Everyone Communicates Few Connect by J. Maxwell, DeRailed by Tim Irwin, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, The Road by Cormac McCarthy, The Shack by William Young, and finally Silas Marner by George Elliot) are meant for enjoyment, but I’m reading them at windblown page-flipping speeds is somewhat of an oximoron, but that’s a faux pas I’m willing to commit. Add to that brushing up on my Anatomy&Physiology recall and you’ve got yourself a bona-fide hermit! What would happen if I didn’t have friends like Michelle, Stacy or Leanne to pull me out of these of torrent acts of solitude? Easy asnwer – nothing! Anyway, it’s good to know I have sweet friends who truly do care haha.

So that’s it right now. Wish I could give some assurance that I’ll be back sooner than the last time, but really? Nursing School is about to start and I’m pretty sure it will own every second of my life. So have an awesome summer for the rest of you who get to have one! (No bitterness here). Think of me every now and again. Picture me with my face buried in some obscenely large textbook with highlighter markings on my face, post it notes falling from my fingers, and 3×5 cards stacked castle high around me… and when you do this, decide to bring me some coffee in hopes to resuscitate me in that one day, I will be able to legitimately return the favor… should you ever need me to do so

LOVE YOU!

The Inquiry: 2 Choices on the Shelf

I am without cadence existing the phrase “My life’s ambition is not my own but His,” so my heart will exist in hope above fear.

The Mountains Don't Apologize for Being Majestic, and in Their Greatness Bow only to God! Oh that I could have such fortitude!

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.”
II Timothy 1:7

Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary

1:6-14 God has not given us the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power, of courage and resolution, to meet difficulties and dangers; the spirit of love to him, which will carry us through opposition. And the spirit of a sound mind, quietness of mind. The Holy Spirit is not the author of a timid or cowardly disposition, or of slavish fears. We are likely to bear afflictions well, when we have strength and power from God to enable us to bear them. As is usual with Paul, when he mentions Christ and his redemption, he enlarges upon them; so full was he of that which is all our salvation, and ought to be all our desire. The call of the gospel is a holy call, making holy. Salvation is of free grace. This is said to be given us before the world began, that is, in the purpose of God from all eternity; in Christ Jesus, for all the gifts that come from God to sinful man, come in and through Christ Jesus alone. And as there is so clear a prospect of eternal happiness by faith in Him, who is the Resurrection and the Life, let us give more diligence in making his salvation sure to our souls. Those who cleave to the gospel, need not be ashamed, the cause will bear them out; but those who oppose it, shall be ashamed. The apostle had trusted his life, his soul, and eternal interests, to the Lord Jesus. No one else could deliver and secure his soul through the trials of life and death. There is a day coming, when our souls will be inquired after. Thou hadst a soul committed to thee; how was it employed? in the service of sin, or in the service of Christ? The hope of the lowest real Christian rests on the same foundation as that of the great apostle. He also has learned the value and the danger of his soul; he also has believed in Christ; and the change wrought in his soul, convinces the believer that the Lord Jesus will keep him to his heavenly kingdom. Paul exhorts Timothy to hold fast the Holy Scriptures, the substance of solid gospel truth in them. It is not enough to assent to the sound words, but we must love them. The Christian doctrine is a trust committed to us; it is of unspeakable value in itself, and will be of unspeakable advantage to us. It is committed to us, to be preserved pure and entire, yet we must not think to keep it by our own strength, but by the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us; and it will not be gained by those who trust in their own hearts, and lean to their own understandings.

There is a day coming, when our souls will be inquired after. Thou hadst a soul committed to thee; how was it employed? in the service of sin, or in the service of Christ?

When God comes 2nd

God’s really been messing with me lately- and I think I just got a handle today on why.

I was sitting in my room processing the days events when I kept stumbling on some inspiration that was tumbling around my head. The thought occurred to me, and so I quickly twittered,  that

“U are not a byproduct of the world that God loves because… U are THE product put in the created world so God could love you. Walk in it.”

I went downstairs to grab a cup of coffee and began to sift through that thought. God began to convict me in my heart that I have been living as a byproduct of the world instead of a product of His righteousness. For example, I race around like a maniac more often than not because the world has given me deadlines and hurdles that I HAVE to deal with. I began letting my time with God slip because the world was putting too much pressure on me. I gave up giving God the time He desired to continue to form me and instead let the world decide what I was like. It’s such an easy pit to fall in! As a college student I have the excuse that this kind of craziness is normal! Oh, but it’s such a lie. The difference is that I am not formed by this world. I was formed by the Lord. I have to stop letting the world take over the Creators place in my life. I truly have to stop giving my first moments to the world’s priorities or I will never be able to be a servant in God’s greater kingdom!

Romans 12:2 is an obvious pick for this lesson,

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

I shudder to think that this verse was repeated over and over and over again in my young Sunday school years, throughout my life in my house, and even now in Church, but who knew that you could so easily repeat it word for word but not truly understand it’s application?

Then comes 1 John 2:15

“Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.”

Did I really trip up and start to wonder why my day’s seemed so unfruitful as if I didn’t already know the answer? Suddenly I’m reminded of the adage of the frog who’s placed in a pot of water and doesn’t know he’s going to die because the fire below is turned on at such a low setting that very slowly his body temperature changes with the environment until it’s too late to jump out. If I started to wonder and God convicted me of this truth I would have, in all reality, probably said out loud “I don’t love the world.” But what follower of God really goes around saying “I LOVE THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING IN IT”? Actions speak louder than words, my friend. You see, it’s more than your first moments that matter to God. Think of the person you love, the kind of fiery passionate and devoted love, and what it’s like to want to wake up to hear their voice. Think of how excited you are just to get a glimpse into his or her thoughts, opinions, perspective, humor or heartfelt sorrow. You jump at the chance! I bet that you would even put off or invite him/her along to appointments, study sessions, shopping trips, etc just to KNOW that person better and spend another moment in conversation with Him/Her. THAT is what God wants from you- He wants to be your FIRST love. He wants you to hang on His every word, take Him with you during the day, and fight for Him in the quiet moments when no one else is looking. Living on the other side of that, when you live for that test that’s coming up tomorrow, change all of your Church plans because the world has put too much pressure on you, skip quiet moments with God in trade for busy moments at a coffee shop, than you are putting the world first. You are saying, in fact, that the world is your first love and Jesus comes 2nd to the world. This is what loving the world looks like, and this is what I’m going to put a stop to.

I am going to walk in the truth that God created me so that He could love me. I am going to show the world Who has my heart, and I will not be trampled down by the feet of men. I am going to step into the role God has created for me, to be utterly and completely in love with Him.

Bolivia, my sweet.

Hello dear reader,

You know, there are moments when you make a connection between the things of this earth and God’s nature, and in those moments the world’s problems seem conquerable. Although, let me begin again in another moment so I can fully capture this connection for you. As you may well know, I am blessed through 12 Stone Church and our Lord to have been chosen to go on a missions trip to Bolivia, South America. It is important for me to note that I do not deserve this opportunity. I have not done anything to receive the blessing, but it is true that God blesses us not based on what we deserve (if that were the case we would be in continual suffering), but because He is overflowing with the love of a true father. This time I have right now is a gift as well. I am praying that God prepares my heart, the hearts of my team members, and the hearts of the Bolivian people. I pray that we take every day by the horns and kneel to pray to God for continual work to be done in our personal lives, at home, and public among friends and in the work-force. Yet I am moving forward, with much new-fangle delight, in earnest of all the growth and learning opportunities that I know wait for me and my team in Bolivia. I am a very blessed girl!

As soon as I found out where I was going, I jumped on my macbook, picked Google from my Top Sites, clicked on Images, and typed “Bolivia, South America” in the search bar. I have become somewhat of a Google-er of all things Bolivia since this moment. The Internet overflowed with emotionally charged pictures; there were sad children, happy festivals, beautiful architecture, dilapidated homes, richly colored plateaus, and seemingly barren dry-lands. I was struck by the contrast displayed in the face of the little boy without sufficient clothing, the bright smile of the brown-skinned beauty dawning a fashionable pollera, and the toothless smile of an elderly graying woman who must own a rich history in her dry, wrinkled skin and light brown eyes. I came across this picture of Laguna Colorada in the Southwest region of Bolivia. There is a salt lake there, which under the sunlight, is absolutely breathtaking. It sits 4300 meters above sea-level, and covers over 60 km^2.

I read a little information on this lake, and it turns out that the fiery red appearance is due to the plankton that live in the waters for a season or so every year. They feed off the rich sources of sodium, magnesium, borax and gypsum. The lake is also home to about 40,000 flamingos (3 different species) that feed off of the plankton! Since it is a protected area, there are apparently 50+ other species of birds that use it as a safe haven as well. I started viewing more and more pictures online of this area, and all of the sudden I heard God’s words lilting through my mind…They will know My name because of what I have done.

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.” – Romans 1:20

Isn’t it inspiring to see how our Creator supplies even the needs of the least? I was thinking about the metaphors that Laguna Colorada offers, and I began to find prayers for the Bolivia team. God provides the nutrients which the plankton feed off of and it’s by those plankton that the Flamingos gain their beautiful color. It’s my hope that as my team and I prepare for Bolivia, we would be saturated in truth & God’s love here. We truly do have rich resources here that sustain us; from leaders within the Church, small group opportunities, and organized religion. I pray we would feed well off of the rich sources of truth and love so that when we go to Bolivia, we would be as richly colored in Christ, tempting to others by the work of the Holy Spirit within us. I pray that when our offerings are absorbed, the Bolivians would be filled with more of God’s very nature and shine as brightly.

For lack of better words, here are some pictures…

So Much More Intriguing than My Dreams

This is an exciting new time for me. I’m both nervous and eager. Tomorrow I will wake up and take a long steadying breath of morning air, make delicious coffee direct from Ipanema, and kneel by my bedside to pray for the habits, hearts, and lives of some people who are very dear to me. But can we just pause and talk a little about mornings? Well thanks, because I love them. Granted, I love the idea of mornings far more than I instantaneously love the impure thrill I feel from waking up before the sun sweeps the horizon. And yet I do fantasize about them, so that has got to carry it’s own weight, right? Mornings for me are almost exactly the same as nights. The only difference is that at the beginning of mornings I’m not thinking about night and all it entails. I am, however, thinking about all the new beginnings this season has already sprouted. There is freedom in these thoughts.

I’m taking maymester and summer classes, and that is something I’ve never done before. I am joining in an apprenticeship with some fantastic women and leaders at 12 Stone. Beyond that, I just sense a new direction in life. Not to say that I have made a blatant and outright decision to change the course of my future, but there is still the sense that gears are shifting and whatever is on the road up ahead I will either love and learn from or hate and learn from. However, I refuse to swerve. I won’t be fearful of change. I welcome it with open arms and in eager anticipation of new challenges. The presence  or absence of change is something I bare in mind while I send up my own telegrams tied to red balloons towards the clouds.

On a different note (but not one I’ve never played before), there is something that is strumming my thoughts and I can’t avoid mentioning it. Tepidly I say, for fear of striking the voice of Paul Young in your thoughts for the duration of the day, love is in the air. It’s actually lovely to watch, because, as much as all of us desire to one day have our soulmate, secretly it’s not something I mind abstaining from for a few more years. You see, this gives me the freely thrilling benefit of hands-untied-observation. And that, my lovely compadre, is something I am always inclined to do. Because! I am an observer. I’m a flight-risk really haha. But, it’s lovely to engage in, encourage, and watch God move in the fantastic lives of others while staying completely free myself; free to be immersed in God’s place in my heart, my family, college, career and such. I know I know… that sounds somewhat off-kilter to you. But you have to admit, it also sounds somewhat thrilling. Try to see it from my bias =)

Now enough randomness. I’m headed to sleep. For tomorrow, I begin a new day with new possibilities, the same cup of coffee, new lives to touch, the same immeasurable unfathomable God, and the ever-redeeming new gift of love.

hugs

Sometimes we just need a hug. That’s what believers should be to each other. That’s what community should feel like. Humans need physical contact. Sometimes it’s all that drives us forward, knowing someone will take the time out of his or her day to bring you into a sincere and loving embrace, and show you the love that Jesus has for each and every one of us. But other times it’s what hurts the most, when a hug is as empty and meaningless as the way you felt before receiving it. How can you tell the difference? You listen. Listen and watch for what follows.

When was the last time you gave someone a hug, turned, and walked away?

אהיה אשר אהיה

I am not a poet, so I cannot express the pain that I endure. I am not an artist, and therefor cannot paint you a picture to show you my frustration. I am not a singer, so I cannot let you hear my heart break. You cannot see the tears because they will not fall in front of you. You cannot understand my struggle because I keep it together on the outside. My sleepless nights are hidden under paint. My worst fears are lost inside a dream. My foul mood is expressed through smiles. I fill the void by helping others. I make up for my lack of achievements by praising yours. I reduce my struggles by listening to yours. I ignore my faults by pointing out yours. I am weak, but there is someone who is not. He has felt my pain. He has seen my frustration. He has heard my heart break. He knows when my tears fall. He knows my struggles. He is beside me during sleepless nights. He has not given me a heart of fear. He knows my innermost thoughts. He fills my void. He recognizes me and calls me by name. He has endured my struggles. He reveals my faults to me in love. He is Strong! He is my Shepherd when I am lost, my Comforter in time of need, my Savior in time of weakness, my Deliver in times of fear, my Light in times of darkness, my Lover in times of abandonment, my Teacher in times of confusion, my Beauty in time of defeat, and my King in every moment. He is Yahweh, and He knows my name. He is the Great I AM.

I’ll find you when…

I’ll come to your call when I know where you stand-speak up and let you in when you want to understand the words-intertwine my fingers with yours’ when you know why my hand is open-adjust my schedule when you make time in yours’-be ready to commit when you’re willing to wait-look forward to your visits when you’re not just visiting-work endlessly for us when you’ve promised me to the end-entrust my heart to you when you’ve shown yourself trustworthy-share my struggles with you when you know that God is the answer.

Adventures Within

I conquered more than hills that day

When I am in touch with God’s heart, there is a moment in every day that feels like I’ve reached a high place. In daily living, I find joy in seeking ways to praise Him because I am both becoming aware of the good in my life and undeniably attributing the good as coming from a source Who has love for me that I cannot unravel. It’s not that He only blesses me when I am in touch with His heart, but I have my eyes open to see the gifts He is placing right in front of me. It is when I reach to understand the pure and simple love behind the blessings, that my soul is unconfined to the world and rests in a Higher place.

Flourishing on the mountaintops.
What I learned over Spring Break ’09.
Mountains are very good things for all three physical, emotional & mental health, but not particularly good for automotive health. Spring break of ’09, my lively friend Julie & I decided to go on an impromptu adventure. The impromptu turned out to be a half-way planned excursion to the North Georgia mountains with many laughs & one trouble in between. But let not the dull introduction foreshadow your expectations of the story, for many loose ends from recent publications by the author (yours’ truly) were brought to poetic endings in ways righter than might have been attempted before. Translation: A lot more was going on in this trip than pictures, hikes up mountains, and a car breaking down. More like, I acted spontaneously (which is something I always aspire to), spoke less than I listened, found prayer when it was my turn to give over my own dilemma, found peace by realizing there was not peace to be had in a tempting opportunity, discovered a passion for discovery-how almost redundant, and became aware of this strength of continuation within me that I did not know I possessed. The road I take to reach my  goals is too narrow to clutter up with nay-sayers. Friends are far too precious to not forgive without request and seek out open-heartedly. I have the innate ability to do better than I did before, and I now know that I am capable of taking advantage of the opportunity.